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My work with couples is informed by a great deal of training and experience in using the following methods (these methods are often combined and integrated, based on the unique needs of each couple):
This research-based approach has been developed by John Gottman, Ph.D., an international leader in the field of couple relationships. Dr. Gottman and his colleagues, mostly from the University of Washington in Seattle, conducted scientific studies of couples over a 30 year period. The results of this research are very significant, and show very clearly how and why successful relationships work so well (Marital Therapy: A Research- Based Approach, 2000, John Gottman, Ph.D.).
This type of marriage counseling uses assessment tools that can predict marital stability with 94% accuracy. Interviews and questionnaires are used to determine the strengths and deficits in the relationship. Research findings are discussed, to help couples recognize how their own relationship patterns compare with other couples. These findings also indicate that even very troubled marriages can and do improve, using simple, proven techniques.
The Gottman Method emphasizes practicing small steps on a daily basis. Specific skills are taught, such as identifying defensive, critical patterns, or physical and emotional distance in the relationship. Then, corrective skills are taught, such as positive conversation starters, praise, physical and emotional connection, and taking responsibility for your part in the problem.
Dr. Gottman carefully researched the physiological response to marital strife. Emotional flooding occurs, mostly with men, during heated arguments. At those times, most efforts to work things out are futile. Thus, couples are taught to recognize how and when flooding occurs, and they are taught methods to reduce the emotional distress.
Many other tools and skills are used in helping couples with the Gottman Method. These skills include conflict resolution, how to fight productively, identifying and working with the “dreams within conflict” (the underlying needs, beliefs, fears that are often embedded within the couple’s struggles.
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Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) |
Developed by Susan Johnson, Ed.D. out of the University of Ottawa, EFT is a highly effective, powerful therapy based in attachment theory . There is a basic human need to love and to be loved. This need is “…innate, physiologically determined, instinctual, and evolutionarily adaptive” (Susan Johnson, “Are You There For Me?”, Psychotherapy Networker, September/October, 2006). Therefore, the success or failure of any marriage or love relationship is based in the strength of the emotional attachment between two people.
The primary goal of this type of counseling is to help couples develop a secure attachment bond with each other. That means a relationship based on safety, trust, intimate connection, and emotional presence. During sessions, each person tells their “story” of the relationship – how they see the problem, and, especially, how they feel (mad, sad, ashamed, afraid). A step-by-step approach is used to help couples work through emotional interactions which often occur during the sessions. This process results in a deeper, more intimate connection – attachment – which is healing in itself. And it teaches couples how to talk about their deeper feelings and needs. “Unfolding key emotions and using them to prime new responses to one’s partner in therapeutic enactments is the heart of change in EFT.” (The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, 2004, Susan M. Johnson).
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Imago Therapy (Healing Childhood Wounds Through Relationship) |
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., is perhaps the best known proponent of a type of relationship counseling that focuses on childhood wounds and unmet needs, and improved communication between couples. Much of Dr. Hendrix’ theory is based on the earlier work of people like Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, and, more recently, Virginia Satir, Carl Rogers, and others.
Clinical and research evidence supports the idea that we unconsciously seek out a love partner with character traits similar to our parents. As Hendrix puts it, “The ultimate reason you fell in love with your mate…” is because you “…finally found the ideal candidate to make up for the psychological and emotional damage you experienced in childhood.” (Getting The Love You Want, 1988, Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.)
The goal in this type of couples counseling is to heal the relationship while healing old childhood wounds. The therapy, along with homework assignments, emphasizes a communication process known as mirroring, or active listening. Couples are taught to listen carefully without interruption, and without planning their response. Each partner takes turn listening, and then repeating back what they heard their partner say. This process is deepened, and made more loving and meaningful, by using empathy along with summarizing what they heard.
Using this process of communication, couples begin to recognize that the conflicts and problems in their relationship have roots in unmet childhood needs and emotional injuries early in life. These childhood wounds are acted-out, or re-created in the marriage or current relationship. The active listening process helps couples to support each other in identifying the true, childhood source of the problem, thus creating space for new, healthier, more loving relationship patterns.
To make an appointment, call Richard Loebl, LCSW at 561-955-6090, or send him an email at Richard@RelationshipCenterofSouthFlorida.com.
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